Updated: 2 February 2026 • Reading time: ~7–8 minutes
Few things make a parent feel more alone than hearing, “They’re fine at school,” when you’re watching your child unravel at home.
You’re not imagining it. You’re not “overreacting”. And you’re definitely not the first parent to be dismissed with a calm sentence that doesn’t match reality.
This article will help you turn that uncomfortable moment into a plan: how to respond, what to record, what to ask for, and how to move forward without burning yourself out.
Why schools sometimes say “they’re fine”
There are a few reasons schools may genuinely believe your child is fine:
- Masking: your child is holding it together at school and releasing stress at home.
- Different expectations: school may see “compliant” as “coping”.
- Limited visibility: difficulties might show up at transitions, break times, or after lunch — not in the classroom snapshot.
- Resource pressure: schools are stretched and may be cautious about acknowledging need (even unintentionally).
Understanding the “why” can help you approach the next conversation calmly — but it doesn’t mean you accept it as the final word.
Key truth: A child can be “fine” in one setting and struggling deeply overall. Your home evidence matters.
Start with specifics (not emotions)
It’s completely normal to feel emotional when you’re dismissed — but “specifics” are harder to brush aside than general statements.
Instead of:
- ❌ “They hate school.”
- ❌ “They’re anxious all the time.”
Try:
- ✅ “They have vomited from anxiety twice this month before school.”
- ✅ “They have had three after-school meltdowns a week for six weeks.”
- ✅ “They are falling asleep at 6pm from exhaustion after masking all day.”
Specific examples make it easier for school to see patterns — and easier for you to ask for action.
Keep a simple two-week log
You don’t need a perfect spreadsheet. A notes app works.
For two weeks, jot down:
- sleep quality
- morning anxiety signs
- attendance issues
- after-school behaviour (meltdowns/shutdowns)
- what helped (snacks, quiet time, sensory tools, reduced demands)
This becomes “data” — and in SEND conversations, data is powerful.
Ask for the right meeting (and the right people)
Request a meeting with the SENCO. If possible, ask for the class teacher too. You can say:
“I’d like a meeting to discuss my child’s needs and agree a support plan, including how we’ll measure whether it’s working.”
This frames the meeting as practical problem-solving, not blame.
What to ask in the meeting
Use questions that steer the conversation towards action:
- What support is currently in place, day-to-day?
- When and where do difficulties show up (transitions, break times, group work)?
- How is my child’s wellbeing being monitored?
- What adjustments can we try for the next 4–6 weeks?
- How will we measure progress — and what happens if it doesn’t work?
Request a written support plan
Even without an EHCP, schools can create a written plan (often called a SEN Support plan or similar). Ask for:
- needs summary
- adjustments/interventions
- who is responsible
- when it will be reviewed
And ask for a review date before you leave the room.
Gently introduce the idea of masking
If your child “behaves” at school but melts down at home, masking may be involved. You can say:
“At home, we’re seeing a big release after school. It suggests they may be coping by holding everything in during the day. Can we look at what’s draining them and what support could reduce the pressure?”
This keeps it collaborative rather than confrontational.
When the school still won’t engage
If you’ve tried reasonable steps and you’re still getting nowhere, consider escalating gradually:
- Follow up in writing summarising what was discussed and asking for next steps.
- Request involvement of the headteacher if plans aren’t being followed.
- Contact SENDIASS for independent advice and support.
- Consider requesting an EHCP assessment if needs are significant and support isn’t sufficient.
- Use the school complaints procedure if there’s persistent failure to provide support or communicate appropriately.
It’s okay to escalate. You’re not causing trouble — you’re creating accountability.
Protecting your energy
These conversations take a toll. A few small things that help:
- take someone with you to meetings if you can
- write a list beforehand so you don’t freeze on the day
- send follow-up emails (so you don’t have to remember everything)
- give yourself recovery time after meetings
You’re allowed to feel tired. You’re doing hard things.
A final reminder
If you’re living the reality at home, your perspective matters. Schools see a slice of your child’s day. You see the whole child.
Keep it calm. Keep it specific. Keep it in writing.
Next read: When Your Child Is Masking at School
Quick FAQs
What if the school says it’s “just behaviour”?
You can ask what is driving the behaviour and what support is being offered. Behaviour is communication — and it usually has a cause.
Should I involve the headteacher?
If a SENCO meeting doesn’t lead to action, escalating appropriately is reasonable. Keep your communication calm and factual.
How do I keep my emotions steady in meetings?
Bring notes, stick to examples, and ask for a short break if you need it. It’s okay to be human.
